Lulu by Lou Reed & Metallica – The Reaction

In case you’ve been under a rock or know no-one with a functioning sense of humour, you’ll be aware that the least-likely-to-succeed pairing in the history of recorded sound, Lou Reed and Metallica, have got an album coming out on Monday. Understandably, brows have been furrowed, eyes have been widened and – predictably – daggers have been sharpened in anticipation. The album’s now available to stream in its glorious/hideous entirety, so you can now decide for yourself if you agree with Lou Reed’s assertion that it’s the finest record he’s ever made.

However, you should be aware that geologists are now having to scour the land and the sea to find new natural reserves of pomposity and self-delusion, since all existing seams have been so well mined on this overblown festival of faux-avant-garde wankery that there is now none left to spare.

Or to put it another way – if you enjoy this record, you are a fucking jackass.

Here’s what the hacks have to say:

 

THE GOOD

“Lulu is the second greatest record ever made in the history of the human ear drum. Number One: Metal Machine Music.”

J. R. Moores, Drowned In Sound, 27 Oct ‘11

THE MEH

“It’s best to think of this as Metallica’s version of ‘Passengers,’ U2‘s experimental 1995 collaboration with Brian Eno — an interesting but not ultimately successful side trip”

Matthew Wilkening, Ultimate Classic Rock, 21 Oct ‘11

“The best thing about this record is that it exists, and Metallica are to be congratulated for exploring their more avant-garde side. It suits them.”

Jeremy Allen in NME’s First Listen, 19 Oct ‘11

THE PIG FUCKING UGLY

“It’s impossible to deny how laughably overblown the whole thing gets”

Ross Watson, The Skinny, 24 Oct ‘11

“It wastes so much of life’s most precious commodity: time. We have but a short period on this earth and Lulu, spread over 95 – yes, 95! – tedious and excruciating minutes simply eats into time that could be more constructively spent watching the grass grow or perhaps wanking into a sock.”

Julian Marsalek, The Quietus, 20 Oct ‘11

“Sounds like your dad’s drunk friend reciting his self-penned erotica over a melting ReLoad cassette”

Kyle Anderson, Entertainment Weekly, 26 Oct ‘11

“There are approximately three enjoyable moments on the album, and they all cop to the aforementioned assertion that Metallica should have kept making the Black Album or Load over and over again until their mullets grew back.”

Daniel D. Snyder, The Atlantic, 25 Oct ‘11

“I was ceaselessly reminded that corporate forces stopped artists from doing what they truly desired; they pushed musicians toward predictable four-minute radio singles and frowned upon innovation, and they avariciously tried to turn art into a soulless commodity that MTV could sell to the lowest common denominator. And that did happen, sometimes. But some artists need that, or they end up making albums like this.”

Chuck Klosterman, Grantland, 25 Oct ‘11